Trials and Tribulations.

I have been here for 2 months and 27 days. It feels like a day. One. long. day.

I can’t even begin to express all the unexpected feelings I’ve been experiencing since the move to Iowa from Texas. It isn’t how I envisioned my transition to be at all. It really gives you time to think.

Do I regret the move? No.

Everything about this places is a haven. But in the end, it isn’t where you are that affects you, it’s the people that become the true obstacle.

The stars never change.

In 10 days I’m moving to Iowa.

I was born and raised in Texas. Having only traveled 100 miles in each direction. It’s both frightening and exhilarating knowing that in 10 days my life in Texas will be a distant memory.

1, 148 miles of uncharted lands.

Saying goodbye isn’t easy. There is so much to be missed. The smell of spring, the touch of a Texas summer, the taste of autumn and the spirit of winter. Being so far from those I love. Unfortunately, I was not born into the most supportive family. If they don’t approve it doesn’t happen. I’m the lamb in the lion den.

I’m anticipating becoming acquainted with new faces and creating a whole new life for my daughter and myself. There are so many changes just waiting to be discovered.

You may be asking why Iowa?

My husband grew up there. He tried a piece of Texas and Texas spit him into the fire pit. So we decided to relocate towards his family. Whom I absolutely have grown to love as if they have been family all my life. They are the most amazing people I’ve come to know. Among being excepting and nonjudgmental, they radiate hope. Something I crave.

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know that for once in my life, I’m taking charge.

The beat of my heart.

189,552 hours ago I came into this world. All 682,387,200 seconds of my life have felt wasted. 682,387,201 seconds. 682,387,202 seconds.

I, like many people, have made my hand full of mistakes. I’ve heard that without failure there is no success. Well so far, I’ve accomplished a hell of a lot of failure and have witnessed zero success. It comes a point in your life when you have to put your foot down and demand happiness.

Finding your happiness is the hard part. Where can you find happiness? You can’t. You create it. And its taken me too long to realize that. I’m tired of trying so hard for everyone else in my life and not trying for myself. Along this journey, I’ve forgotten who I am. Sometimes I think about that pink haired sixteen year old, sitting with a pen and paper writing about anything that came to mind. How care free and open she was. Now heavy-hearted and broken, I envy my former self and all she lost to become who I am today. Nothing.

It doesn’t have to stay that way, I’ve realized. There is no going back. And dwelling on the past is what caused these wasteful days of adulthood. There is so much I want to do. Remove the dust from long forgotten books. Create a world with colors. Experience a new light. Learn to cook. Learn to breath again. Break away from this cage I’ve created for myself.

So, I vow to myself to become a new me.